Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Drunkard

THE DRUNKARD:

• Slurs, leans, spits, sweats, dribbles, yells and has often lost all grasp of the local language
• Can’t stay upright under their own power and needs a chair, a bar or a friend to stand up
• Notorious for ordering drinks and not paying for them, leaving them on the bar and walking off without them or spilling them before drinking them
• Often accompanied by a more sober and very annoyed cohort who has gone from friend to babysitter
• Often cannot find money, get hands in their pockets or afford drinks, to the disgust and financial detriment of aforementioned babysitter
• Ends the night on the floor, toilet, ‘dancing’ wildly with possible loss of clothing and/or being turfed out by security
• Lights cigarettes at the wrong end

SUMMARY: Disgusting, confusing, amusing and entertaining all at once – a real all rounder

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Show Off

THE SHOW OFF:

• Always in a large group
• Always offers to pay for rounds
• Always asks for expensive beers and spirits knowing full well you don’t have them
• Always produces a ludicrously large wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to flick though it in front of you, and eventually pays with the largest note available
• Always smartly dressed and covered in some form of bling, fake tan and too much cologne
• Always tells you to ‘Buy one for yourself’
• Always tips to further project their wealthy status
• Always apologises for their unruly mates
• Winks at you at every opportunity

SUMMARY: Friendly, fun, can be a wanker but great for tips!

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Girls Night Out

THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT:

• Consists of 4+ females wearing too much make up, too little clothes and a lot of fake tan
• Shoes are too high, skirts are too short
• Attract an amazingly high level of male attention and love it
• Spend the majority of the night in the bathroom
• Dance around handbag’s on the dance floor
• Tale too many photo’s and text constantly
• Squeal - a lot
• Most common beverages include: Shots, Doubles of Vodka, Archers, Midori, Malibu or Bacardi, Champagne, Cocktails, Wine Spritzers, Wine with Vodka in it, Snake Bites or Cider and Black
• Start off immaculate and become more dishevelled as the night wears on
• Fall over breaking heels and nails
• Night can often end in random pashing, shagging, vomiting and/or tears
• Any of the above can happen anywhere: bar, toilet, bus, alley, cab, garden, park, house

SUMMARY: Fun in the beginning but always end up too shrill and sad – unless you’re a guy on the pull, then your ships come in

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Historian

THE HISTORIAN:

• Is always of a mature age
• Has always had one too many
• Always takes forever to order
• Can often share traits of The Complainer
• Has seen every band they’re about to see numerous times before and is happy to list where, when and with whom
• Has often worked in the very same establishment you are now working in and begins to list all the differences between then and now, all acts they saw throughout the duration of their employment and various anecdotes of former colleagues you’ve never met and never will
• Has questionable dress sense and hair styling
• Often leans, slurs and/or spits
• Always holds up queues and forces those behind them to tutt and roll eyes
• Always looks slightly hurt when you state you do in fact still work there and should get on with the job at hand

SUMMARY: Totally harmless, sometimes entertaining, often boring and annoying.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Flirt

THE FLIRT:

• Stares at you just that little too long and continues to eye you up and down throughout the whole transaction
• Starts the order off politely but, depending on level of confidence/drunkenness, will come out with one of the following: ‘You’ve got the best job / I bet you get to see all the bands / Having a good night? / You’re so beautiful / I bet you make loads of tips / What are you doing later? / Can I have your number? / Can I buy you a drink? / What’s your name? / Where are you from? / Do you have a boyfriend?’, etc
• Again, depending on confidence versus drink quota, the end of the transaction may also be finished with a hand shake, continental kiss on the hand or large tip, and is always ended on a cheeky wink
• He will then position himself either near your bar and attempt to talk to you all night regardless of how busy or annoyed you may be, or keep returning to you constantly for every item he decides to purchase
• The more drinks The Flirt is served the more confident becomes his approach, and the more plentiful becomes your tip jar
• If still insistent at the end of the night he will most certainly return for one last try, and if refused can go one of two ways: He can roll away drunkenly professing his love for you, reiterating how lovely you are and how he’ll never find another like you; or he’ll take it very badly, have a screaming tantrum, call you every name under the sun and have to be removed by security

SUMMARY:

All in all a harmless case - excellent for the ego and lining of the pockets.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Complainer

When working at night you come across many different types of characters. People change when the sun goes down. They let loose, discard their inhibitions and let their inner night creature emerge, no matter how scary they may be. As part of this series I will be doing regular studies on not only the demographics that come out to play but the types of creatures you have to deal with on a regular basis. Some are pretty, some angry, some lovely and some straight up crazy, but rest assured, all are entertaining.

THE COMPLAINER:

• Is of the general mind that you are a complete moron who is out to rip them off on behalf of ‘the establishment’
• No matter how fast you serve them you’ve always served the person before them out of turn and they’ve been waiting too long
• Their drink is always too warm, small, has too much ice or too much head
• Of the 50+ drinks you have on offer they like none of them and proceed to ask for everything you don’t stock
• When it comes to paying it is always too expensive, and apparently berating you and alerting everyone around them to the fact that you personally are ripping them off is going to make it cheaper
• When given their change they are always unimpressed with the amount of coins given (this of course may have been done on purpose, with intent to annoy)
• They will then complain their way through the crowd at the packed bar moaning about spilling their drink, where to stand, there’s too many people, they can’t see – and so on and so forth
  
  

SUMMARY:

Always there, always annoying, always alone. I wonder why?…

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Demographical Study - The Golden Oldies

At a recent Kenny Rogers concert held at Hammersmith Apollo a Mother (60+) burst past me through the theatre doors sans ticket to which I questioned ‘Sorry, do you have a ticket?’ – not because I thought she was sneaking in, but because a lot of people don’t know (or pretend not to know) there’s a difference between a downstairs stalls ticket (good view) and an upstairs circle ticket (bad view). Following closely behind was her daughter (30+) yelling ‘Mum, wait! They need to see your ticket!’. The Mother then turned to me and quipped ‘I do apologise! You know us old people, when they let us out we run riot. We’re worse than the kids!’. And never a truer word has been spoken.

This Mother/daughter combo were polite, funny produced their tickets and were on their way. Unlike most they actually listened to my directions to their seats and obviously found them as I didn’t see them again. But sadly this story is one of few like it. Working at a venue that doubles as a theatre means you get all manner of clientele depending on the entertainment on offer, and believe it or not an older crowd can be one of the worst. As far as they’re concerned their age gives them wisdom, experience and the right to complain about anything and everything. Chances are they’ve been to a show or 2 previously so a little knowledge of how it all works is implied and vehemently touted by said demographic. They have a tendency to strut around like they own the place, and in fact have lived there their whole lives, so heaven help you if as an usher you try to direct them to their seat or the toilet.

Being on the bar is an entirely different kettle of fish. No matter how fast you serve they always have to wait too long… ALWAYS. It wouldn’t matter if you had the 8 arms of Vishnu and beer taps for fingers, they’d still stand in front of you tutting, clucking and bitching to each other like you’re a deaf mute. ‘You just don’t get good service these days / I’ll probably die of thirst before I get a drink / She won’t even look at me / Do they know how hot it is in here?’. No, not at all, as we work our butts off running back and forth for over 4 hours. Then you must endure the actual ordering phase of the transaction. The temperature of the beer, air, lack of snacks, gassiness – or lack thereof – of the soft drinks and the price of everything on sale down to the ticket and merchandise are entirely your fault. You yourself came to work early solely to overprice everything, turn off all fridges and build extra stairs in the stairwells just to make their lives a misery. Because hearing them complain is like music to your ears. It’s the very reason you get up every day.

So never underestimate the Golden Oldies crowd as they’ve seen and done it all before. They don’t need directions, they don’t need any help and they don’t have to be polite. That is of course until the show begins and they come slinking back nice as pie with a newfound limp or sympathy strain confessing that they in fact can’t find their seat, ask you where the toilets are and to get them a drink as they’re so thirsty and old and frail. And you dutifully assist them as you should do, as they’re old and have paid their dues, and they’re now making you pay yours.