Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Girls Night Out

THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT:

• Consists of 4+ females wearing too much make up, too little clothes and a lot of fake tan
• Shoes are too high, skirts are too short
• Attract an amazingly high level of male attention and love it
• Spend the majority of the night in the bathroom
• Dance around handbag’s on the dance floor
• Tale too many photo’s and text constantly
• Squeal - a lot
• Most common beverages include: Shots, Doubles of Vodka, Archers, Midori, Malibu or Bacardi, Champagne, Cocktails, Wine Spritzers, Wine with Vodka in it, Snake Bites or Cider and Black
• Start off immaculate and become more dishevelled as the night wears on
• Fall over breaking heels and nails
• Night can often end in random pashing, shagging, vomiting and/or tears
• Any of the above can happen anywhere: bar, toilet, bus, alley, cab, garden, park, house

SUMMARY: Fun in the beginning but always end up too shrill and sad – unless you’re a guy on the pull, then your ships come in

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Historian

THE HISTORIAN:

• Is always of a mature age
• Has always had one too many
• Always takes forever to order
• Can often share traits of The Complainer
• Has seen every band they’re about to see numerous times before and is happy to list where, when and with whom
• Has often worked in the very same establishment you are now working in and begins to list all the differences between then and now, all acts they saw throughout the duration of their employment and various anecdotes of former colleagues you’ve never met and never will
• Has questionable dress sense and hair styling
• Often leans, slurs and/or spits
• Always holds up queues and forces those behind them to tutt and roll eyes
• Always looks slightly hurt when you state you do in fact still work there and should get on with the job at hand

SUMMARY: Totally harmless, sometimes entertaining, often boring and annoying.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Flirt

THE FLIRT:

• Stares at you just that little too long and continues to eye you up and down throughout the whole transaction
• Starts the order off politely but, depending on level of confidence/drunkenness, will come out with one of the following: ‘You’ve got the best job / I bet you get to see all the bands / Having a good night? / You’re so beautiful / I bet you make loads of tips / What are you doing later? / Can I have your number? / Can I buy you a drink? / What’s your name? / Where are you from? / Do you have a boyfriend?’, etc
• Again, depending on confidence versus drink quota, the end of the transaction may also be finished with a hand shake, continental kiss on the hand or large tip, and is always ended on a cheeky wink
• He will then position himself either near your bar and attempt to talk to you all night regardless of how busy or annoyed you may be, or keep returning to you constantly for every item he decides to purchase
• The more drinks The Flirt is served the more confident becomes his approach, and the more plentiful becomes your tip jar
• If still insistent at the end of the night he will most certainly return for one last try, and if refused can go one of two ways: He can roll away drunkenly professing his love for you, reiterating how lovely you are and how he’ll never find another like you; or he’ll take it very badly, have a screaming tantrum, call you every name under the sun and have to be removed by security

SUMMARY:

All in all a harmless case - excellent for the ego and lining of the pockets.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Complainer

When working at night you come across many different types of characters. People change when the sun goes down. They let loose, discard their inhibitions and let their inner night creature emerge, no matter how scary they may be. As part of this series I will be doing regular studies on not only the demographics that come out to play but the types of creatures you have to deal with on a regular basis. Some are pretty, some angry, some lovely and some straight up crazy, but rest assured, all are entertaining.

THE COMPLAINER:

• Is of the general mind that you are a complete moron who is out to rip them off on behalf of ‘the establishment’
• No matter how fast you serve them you’ve always served the person before them out of turn and they’ve been waiting too long
• Their drink is always too warm, small, has too much ice or too much head
• Of the 50+ drinks you have on offer they like none of them and proceed to ask for everything you don’t stock
• When it comes to paying it is always too expensive, and apparently berating you and alerting everyone around them to the fact that you personally are ripping them off is going to make it cheaper
• When given their change they are always unimpressed with the amount of coins given (this of course may have been done on purpose, with intent to annoy)
• They will then complain their way through the crowd at the packed bar moaning about spilling their drink, where to stand, there’s too many people, they can’t see – and so on and so forth
  
  

SUMMARY:

Always there, always annoying, always alone. I wonder why?…

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Demographical Study - The Golden Oldies

At a recent Kenny Rogers concert held at Hammersmith Apollo a Mother (60+) burst past me through the theatre doors sans ticket to which I questioned ‘Sorry, do you have a ticket?’ – not because I thought she was sneaking in, but because a lot of people don’t know (or pretend not to know) there’s a difference between a downstairs stalls ticket (good view) and an upstairs circle ticket (bad view). Following closely behind was her daughter (30+) yelling ‘Mum, wait! They need to see your ticket!’. The Mother then turned to me and quipped ‘I do apologise! You know us old people, when they let us out we run riot. We’re worse than the kids!’. And never a truer word has been spoken.

This Mother/daughter combo were polite, funny produced their tickets and were on their way. Unlike most they actually listened to my directions to their seats and obviously found them as I didn’t see them again. But sadly this story is one of few like it. Working at a venue that doubles as a theatre means you get all manner of clientele depending on the entertainment on offer, and believe it or not an older crowd can be one of the worst. As far as they’re concerned their age gives them wisdom, experience and the right to complain about anything and everything. Chances are they’ve been to a show or 2 previously so a little knowledge of how it all works is implied and vehemently touted by said demographic. They have a tendency to strut around like they own the place, and in fact have lived there their whole lives, so heaven help you if as an usher you try to direct them to their seat or the toilet.

Being on the bar is an entirely different kettle of fish. No matter how fast you serve they always have to wait too long… ALWAYS. It wouldn’t matter if you had the 8 arms of Vishnu and beer taps for fingers, they’d still stand in front of you tutting, clucking and bitching to each other like you’re a deaf mute. ‘You just don’t get good service these days / I’ll probably die of thirst before I get a drink / She won’t even look at me / Do they know how hot it is in here?’. No, not at all, as we work our butts off running back and forth for over 4 hours. Then you must endure the actual ordering phase of the transaction. The temperature of the beer, air, lack of snacks, gassiness – or lack thereof – of the soft drinks and the price of everything on sale down to the ticket and merchandise are entirely your fault. You yourself came to work early solely to overprice everything, turn off all fridges and build extra stairs in the stairwells just to make their lives a misery. Because hearing them complain is like music to your ears. It’s the very reason you get up every day.

So never underestimate the Golden Oldies crowd as they’ve seen and done it all before. They don’t need directions, they don’t need any help and they don’t have to be polite. That is of course until the show begins and they come slinking back nice as pie with a newfound limp or sympathy strain confessing that they in fact can’t find their seat, ask you where the toilets are and to get them a drink as they’re so thirsty and old and frail. And you dutifully assist them as you should do, as they’re old and have paid their dues, and they’re now making you pay yours.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Day vs Night

As noted in another of my Blogs (http://sistersinsays.blogspot.com/) I have recently acquired my first ever office job, complete with desk, staff pass with lanyard and water cooler. I love the job – it’s interesting, fun and my co-workers are better than I could ever have hoped for (and they could certainly give the Creatures a run for their money in the interrelations department). Being a veteran Creature of the Night this is an entirely new experience for me and I never thought I’d enjoy it as much as I do. It also pays very well and therefore begs the question ‘Do I need to work nights anymore?’. Plus I am still met with the ‘I don’t know how you do it!’ comments from my new colleagues. Truth be told I don’t think I’ll ever cease to work nights. I’ve done it for so long now I find myself restless and bored when at home, especially now there aren’t as many shows on. The fact that I actually can go home after work these days is strange to me and I’ve developed a rather unhealthy UK soapie obsession as a result.

Nothing quite compares to the rush of being a Creature of the Night. I feel it provides certain satisfactions and a social side that a day job simply cannot posses. Take for example my current job: I get up the same time as everyone else and don the appropriate office get-up (except on Friday’s which I think is universally known as ‘casual day’). I squeeze myself onto the tube/bus with book/Metro/Shortlist/Sport in hand so as not to have to make eye contact or speak to anyone, stand single file on the right of the escalator - or if I’m feeling energetic or running late, leg it up the left - and eventually park myself at my allocated desk, just like everybody else. And that’s about it really. Aside from the occasional lunch outing, inter-departmental office wander and chat, external meeting or game of rolled-up-Guardian-bat-and-stress-ball-office- cricket match, there’s not much else going on. I organise my boss, answer emails, forward funnies, print papers, fulfil my H&S responsibilities by ensuring no-one is close to or in fear of dying, then squeeze back onto the tube and make my way home reading my book or London Paper (no London Lite, don’t like it), just like everybody else.

Yet gearing up for a night shift is a whole different ball game. Depending on your day job situation and the day of the week your journey to work is never the same. You could be rushing from one job to the other looking not unlike Michael Bourne being chased by the CIA as you take escalator steps 2 at a time, narrowly skim through beeping tube doors, duck and weave your way through tourists, families and old people in a desperate attempt to make it to work on time. Or it could be a weekend evening which means there’s an entirely different buzz in the air - people finishing work and readying themselves for the weekend, looking at each other, maybe even talking and laughing with each other on the tube or bus. It gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that you’re heading to work to serve some of these smiling faces, maybe even chat and flirt with them, and hopefully add to the plethora of happy memories they’ll have of their evening should they be able to remember anything in the morning - all the time safe in the knowledge that you’ll be working but also earning and socialising. They’ll be waking up with little to no money, possibly wallet-less, maybe even clothes-less, and definitely worse for wear.

Your uniform may consist of a compulsory branded shirt or apron but other than that you can dress to impress, and the actual work part of the deal is never the same as the shows and crowds differ every night. You’ve lucked out should it be a theatre-style show, comedy night or older person’s affair as attendees are almost always boring and NEVER tip. But should the evening involve a quality rock band or better yet a DJ or dance party you’re home free! The drinks will be flowing, the tunes cranking and if the DJ’s spinning you can rest assured there’ll be plenty of intoxicants about which means more one-night-only friends, chat up lines, classic conversations and lots of lovely munters leaving their change behind!

Your journey home is dependant on the night’s occurrences. Staffies as you know are more common than not so if your nights been hellish you can let off steam with your co-workers, or if heavenly you can spend your newly acquired bounty on any number of fancy beverages. And whether it be a walk home or public transport expedition at the end of it all you’re sure to see some interesting sights, especially at the weekend. It may be a hilariously profound and in-depth drunken conversation that none of the participants will ever remember, a girl puking in her hand bag, some bright spark putting a bin through a bus window, people falling down stairs and aisles, or a highly sophisticated Essex girl losing a heel/top/dress/skirt – all of which I have witnessed, by the way – your journey home is sure to be full of wonders and surprises the likes of which ye have never seen and would never expect. And as you finally climb into your warm bed after a hard nights work you can sleep sound in the knowledge that you’ve helped contribute to all that fun, all those hangovers, all those drunken slobbering kisses and forgetful one night stands.

Ah, the beauty of it all…

Confessions of an Australian Barmaid: Customer Relations

You may recall my previous blog on interelations in the work place and how dating fellow collegues can be fun but fickle at the best of times. The same can also be said for taking an interest in your ever-thirsty clintele as it can raise all kinds of issues in regards to ethics, conflicts of interest and general customer relations.

As a bartender you are constantly getting hit on, and whilst this is flattering and excellent for the self esteem it can become extremely tedious, especially when said flatterers are sleazy and intoxicated or old and crusty. Even if the customer in question turns out to be both attractive and amicable you have to remember, the more you're seeing of them the more you're serving them, which means they're getting more and more inhebriated. You can learn a lot about a person by plying them full of alcohol and robbing them blind for both drinks and tips whilst you yourself are totally sober, let me tell you.

And the above is not the only ethical hurdle you can encounter. As far as hourly wages go bartending barely lines the pockets so tips become an essential part of life. And while chatting, flirting and serving the occasional over-pour can make for a very lucrative night is this really how you want to start a relationship? Performing a service for money whilst using persuasive techniques to make a little extra on the side?? Bartending is one of the world's oldest professions, but can become akin to another old and well known profession when the above techniques come into play.

In saying that you always meet lovely and interesting people when working, it's one of the best parts of the job. Should you see one of these people at your local after work or randomly out and about one night (which does happen: 'Don't I know you from somewhere?','You served me at...!') it's entirely possible you could strike up more than just pleasant conversation. And should this person be content to live in a relationship where you hardly see each other - and let's face it, that could be a good thing - you can most certainly become ensconced in a semi-normal fun and loving relationship. If you're both working different hours and not seeing each other on a regular basis this can be highly beneficial, making each time you see each other all the more special and exciting. However this is only the case should your new found friend be OK with leading separate lives; day vs night; light vs dark.

Say you do find a keeper through work one night: depending on how and where you work your new crush may be very proud of the fact they're dating a creature of the night, so much so that they brag about it constantly to all their friends and start propping up your bar on a regular basis along with all their best friends. At first it may be just them and a friend or 2 - they get to know the other creatures, maybe even the locals - and as a consequence you might give a free pint here and a sneaky shot there. It's at this point that word spreads like wildfire. Their friends tell more friends and before you know it they're taking up an entire side of the bar, getting drunk and rowdy and generally annoying everybody that crosses their path. Well-connected significant others can sometimes feel they have some kind of immunity or VIP privelige which can in turn make them arrogant and turn them into, well, a right twat.

The other down side of this scenario is that your work and personal life now become one. What was once a kind of safe haven from everday life, people and pastimes now has your new squeeze encroaching on it's boundaries. Needless to say this puts a strain on the relationship, not to mention your tip jar. An ever-present significant other majorly hinders the flirt-for-cash scheme as well as the flirt-for-fun factor. It is a well known fact that all bartenders - single or otherwise - engage in frequent flirt-for-fun activities whilst at work; another perk of the job. And let's not even go into what happens when he/she sees you being admired fro afar by another customer as there's no good way for that to end. Bring all of this together with the often annoying fact that they're having fun whilst you are working your butt off and you've got yourself a bonifide tried and true recipe for disaster.

So to be cliche, literally, never mix business with pleasure. As business - although it is business - can often be pleasurable. So you then have to decide: What pleasures you?...