Tales of an Australian Bar Maid: Creature Chameleons

THE DOOR BITCH

Of all the staff in all the venues all over the world there’s one person you don’t mess with, and that’s the Door Bitch. She has the power to turf you out at the drop of a hat, ticket or not, so you’d best be nice to her my friends!

Being the first point of contact upon entry all she has to do is take your ticket or your money and give you a stamp right? Wrong. Not only does she do that, but she deals with the lazy people who’ve yet to collect their tickets and then hold up the queue as they’ve forgotten their booking information, their ID, their credit card, their name and everything that proves they’re indeed who they say they are. And upon being told their word is simply not good enough they act astounded at the fact you don’t simply just trust them and let them in. All it takes is some basic manners and a little organisation on the punters part and you’re in the door, but you’d be surprised how hard those two things can be to some people.

And then of course there’s the VIP or guest list. A list of people so important they give anyone from the Dalai Lama to Barack Obama a run for their money. They can be musicians’ friends or relatives, fellow musos, record company goons, media moguls, cringeworthy critics or competition winners. But no matter who they are they’re all of the mind they are above it all as they are ‘on the list’. As many tickets as the nobodies like to put on themselves (excuse the pun), to a Door Bitch they’re the same as everyone else, if not all the more painful and way more fun to annoy.

And heaven forbid they’re not on the list! Organising and tour managing a show is a complete nightmare in itself without a bunch of tail-riding free loaders wanting to blag their way in gratis. And when a nobody who thinks they’re somebody is left off the list the fall out for the Door Bitch can be brutal, never mind the fact she has nothing to do with said list and is simply handed it at doors open on the night. They proceed to want to peruse the list themselves and if his names listed can become Stevie Wonder in the blink of an eye, despite the fact they’re white with ginger hair (denied). They drop a myriad of ‘names’ from a great height – none of which the Door Bitch has ever heard of – thinking it will part all seas (denied). They offer anything from dollars to drinks to invites to one of their most exclusive parties (denied). All to avoid actually paying and supporting their so-called ‘best friends’ artistic endeavours.

Besides all this there’s the steady flowing torrent of random questions the Door Bitch must answer repeatedly between all of the aforementioned: Where’s the loo? What time are they on? Who’s playing? Are there any tickets left? How much are drinks? What time does it finish? What’s the address here? Is Joe Blogg’s here? Why is the sky blue? What is the meaning of life??

So next time you enter a show spare a thought for the Door Bitch as in real life hours she’s not a bitch at all. But no matter how organised, on time and polite you may be there are ten people behind you who have no tickets, no money, no ID and absolutely no clue.

Tales of an Australian Bar Maid: Creature Chameleons

The main stayers as far as venue workers go are bartenders and security guards as you’re either running to them or away from them. But there are many other facets to working in a venue or nightclub, giving a Creature of the Night various faces. In Creature Chameleons we will explore these many faces.

THE CLOAKROOM MASTER

One of the less glamorous jobs in a venue some people like cloakroom as its not always busy and you can hide under a myriad of bags and coats when hung over. However the cloakroom can be, depending on the weather, either very boring or very busy, and is often used as a form of punishment if a staff member is always late, slow, annoying the manager, etc.

In the beginning the cloakroom is tolerable as punters filter in, receive their numbered tickets and entrust you with their belongings. The middle of the night then consists of pleasant visits from crowd and staff alike chatting and checking up on you as you may be about to die of boredom. This mid-show lull ensures you either bring a good book or are hopefully paired with someone interesting or it can turn out to be a very long night.

And then they come. The end of show advance of thousands of inebriated revellers all wanting their things and all wanting them now. Reinforcements are brought in, as the little room that was once so orderly now becomes a flurried mess of discarded coat hangers and coat check ticket http://sistersin-creaturesofthenight.blogspot.com/s. You become a machine, grabbing tickets in exchange for belongings. But take heed the poor souls that lose their tickets. Should they remember the ticket number and item they cloaked they escape a look that could kill and a good dressing down. But if they lose their ticket and can’t remember the number there’s a slight pang of sympathy as they’re told they must wait till the end of the flurry to recover their goods.

Once the queue is up and the ticket losers have pleaded for mercy and collected their lot the clean up of tickets and hangers begins, along with the cataloguing of items lost or left behind. This is always my favourite part of the cloakroom, as those things not collected within the month are then seized by staff, and I must thank the people of Sydney and London for some mighty fine wardrobe acquisitions over the years.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Demographical Study – Metalheads

You can see the fear in the eyes of pedestrians and drivers alike when a metal or goth crowd descends on a venue. With their flowing black locks, metal studded clothes and jewellry, evil looking t-shirts and pasty white skin your average person tends to run for the hills. But as the old adage goes, never judge a book by its cover my friends.

Metal music is loud, aggressive, abusive and can sometimes depict violence, but in my experience their crowds do not follow suit. They may look the part, talk the talk and walk the walk, but Metalheads are usually those nerdy kids who never said boo in high school and usually got beaten up, or a down to earth tradesman that looks like the Hulk due to lugging materials all day long.

For starters they hardly drink. If you’re a bartender who doesn’t like metal working a metal show you’re out of luck as you ain’t going to be busy. At the risk of generalising here, Metal crowds are usually from the outskirts of town so they always drive. They may have a couple in the beginning but once the bands come on there only be time for head-banging and fist-pumping. The rest of their time is spent detangling hair from aforementioned studs, searching for lost clothing and shoes and smoking outside.

And as the music is so loud and aggressive they must get all that out themselves whilst head-banging as they can be the nicest people in the world. Always amped for the show, always in high spirits and always yelling ‘Yeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh!’. So next time you get caught in the pre or post-show throws of a metal gig don’t be scared. Unless its that band I saw from Europe once that had pigs heads impaled on their mic stands and animal blood all over them. Stay away from them, that shit was weird.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Demographical Study – Kids

There’s much musical entertainment on offer for kids these days, which is great. From The Wiggles to rock bands to top name DJs there’s something for everyone whether it be toddlers, teens or in between.

A kids show such as Hi5 or The Wiggles can be nothing short of mayhem. Excitement and blood sugar levels are high and parents are panicked. After stowing their prams safely in the cloakroom with another 5000 prams the mission begins to get child to seat without losing or hurting them, and without spending your months wages on merchandise and sweets. Once in the seat just sit back and relax to the sound of 3000 happy little voices clapping and singing their hearts out. Until it’s time to go and they throw the tantrum of a lifetime because they didn’t get to physically meet Spongebob, Dorothy or whatever inanimate or extinct object has been animated that month.

All Ages or your older kids shows are a lot easier from a parents point of view as their job usually only consists of dropping off, picking up and being suitably silent and invisible as to avoid parental embarrassment of any form. However this is where a venue workers job gets hard. 3000 teens being let loose in a public space with sugary drinks and treats for sale is always asking for trouble – and that’s not even taking into account what they got into before the show or what they snuck inside.

Red Bull, Coke, lollies and red cordial shots become the order of the day. The rest of your time is spent developing an eventually life-long back spasm from leaning over the sink pouring out free tap waters. If it’s a rock show the kids pile into a sweaty moshy mess between schooners of coke and sneaky trips outside for cigarettes. If it’s a dance party they attach glow sticks to anything and everything on their person and chew gum and suck lollipops for all the right reasons.

Either way they’re fun to watch and often your best customers as they’re sober and polite. And if not you simply yell at them and they’re running scared. Good times.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Demographical Study – Ravers

One day a long time ago a computer nerd created a game called Pacman. Pacman ran around in circles to electronic music munching on tiny white pills and avoiding demons. Pacman may be long gone as far as computer games go, but nevertheless his actions live on in today’s dance music community.

Dance parties are a joy to work depending on the music. The only 2 dance parties I want stripped from my memory are Hard House Academy’s 9th Birthday and the Swedish House Mafia. The former consisted of a spattering of old ravers reliving their heyday by taking stimulants that made them eat their own faces, dancing to what sounded like a hammer repeatedly smashing a brick whilst wearing fluro clothing, fake dreads and furry leg warmers. The latter consisted of people from Essex donning their shiniest bling and fake tan, yelling, vomiting and stealing whilst dancing to not so bad music.

Apart from those 2 experiences dance party crowds usually provide a good night at work. Their euphoric state and loved-up attitude make them pleasant customers who love to chat, flatter and who drink considerably less than other crowds, making your job that much easier. If you can look past the sweating, chewing, stuttering and wandering eyes they’re a joy to serve, especially when they’re so wasted they tip in excess or just leave their change behind altogether.

And if it’s a gay dance party you’re working your ship has come in. Double income, no kids, money to splash and the most designer of drugs ensure your night is full of flattery, fun, tips and extra special treats such as lollies, ice creams and loads more.

Theres much stigma around dance parties usually pertaining to the underlying drug culture which exists within them. While there are indeed heightened dangers and risks dance party crowds are noticeably happier, nicer, less confrontational and fun. The only people they are hurting in the end are themselves, however the bulk of them take intoxicants recreationally and responsibly. And so long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Fellow Bartender

THE FELLOW BARTENDER:

• Always polite, always pleasant, always waits their turn
• Always gives their occupation away by rolling their eyes and being utterly disgusted by annoying, drunk or abrasive customers in front of them
• Can also give their occupation away by making derogatory comments about said annoyance or drunk when placing their order
• Always has their drink order ready
• Always has their money ready
• Is more than understanding when your keg runs dry or you run out of anything
• Never asks for a glass of tap water
• Tips depending on how many tips they received that week
• In the event of inebriation, regales you with stories of the bar they work in and any annoying customers they’ve had
• Again, if inebriated, can start pushing their way to the front and asking for drinks on the sly due to trade comradeship

SUMMARY: No muss, no fuss, a pleasure to serve – just don’t get them drunk

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Musician

THE MUSICIAN:

• Always looks cool – isn’t always actually cool
• Mentions the fact that he’s a musician at every opportunity
• Likes to list influences, likes and dislikes in intricate detail
• Provides a running commentary throughout any musical performance noting where and when they went wrong, what they should have done and what he would have done
• Asks of your musical influences and gig’s you’ve seen and can almost always top all gig’s and shows you’ve ever seen. Ever
• Shamelessly promotes his own shows
• Is always ‘rehearsing’ and ‘about to lay down some tracks’
• Is often between bands or looking for a singer/drummer/bass player
• Always gives you a show flyer as a parting gift and encourages you to bring your friends

SUMMARY: Always talkative, often self-obsessed, always a Mummies boy