Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Fellow Bartender

THE FELLOW BARTENDER:

• Always polite, always pleasant, always waits their turn
• Always gives their occupation away by rolling their eyes and being utterly disgusted by annoying, drunk or abrasive customers in front of them
• Can also give their occupation away by making derogatory comments about said annoyance or drunk when placing their order
• Always has their drink order ready
• Always has their money ready
• Is more than understanding when your keg runs dry or you run out of anything
• Never asks for a glass of tap water
• Tips depending on how many tips they received that week
• In the event of inebriation, regales you with stories of the bar they work in and any annoying customers they’ve had
• Again, if inebriated, can start pushing their way to the front and asking for drinks on the sly due to trade comradeship

SUMMARY: No muss, no fuss, a pleasure to serve – just don’t get them drunk

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Musician

THE MUSICIAN:

• Always looks cool – isn’t always actually cool
• Mentions the fact that he’s a musician at every opportunity
• Likes to list influences, likes and dislikes in intricate detail
• Provides a running commentary throughout any musical performance noting where and when they went wrong, what they should have done and what he would have done
• Asks of your musical influences and gig’s you’ve seen and can almost always top all gig’s and shows you’ve ever seen. Ever
• Shamelessly promotes his own shows
• Is always ‘rehearsing’ and ‘about to lay down some tracks’
• Is often between bands or looking for a singer/drummer/bass player
• Always gives you a show flyer as a parting gift and encourages you to bring your friends

SUMMARY: Always talkative, often self-obsessed, always a Mummies boy

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Drunkard

THE DRUNKARD:

• Slurs, leans, spits, sweats, dribbles, yells and has often lost all grasp of the local language
• Can’t stay upright under their own power and needs a chair, a bar or a friend to stand up
• Notorious for ordering drinks and not paying for them, leaving them on the bar and walking off without them or spilling them before drinking them
• Often accompanied by a more sober and very annoyed cohort who has gone from friend to babysitter
• Often cannot find money, get hands in their pockets or afford drinks, to the disgust and financial detriment of aforementioned babysitter
• Ends the night on the floor, toilet, ‘dancing’ wildly with possible loss of clothing and/or being turfed out by security
• Lights cigarettes at the wrong end

SUMMARY: Disgusting, confusing, amusing and entertaining all at once – a real all rounder

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Show Off

THE SHOW OFF:

• Always in a large group
• Always offers to pay for rounds
• Always asks for expensive beers and spirits knowing full well you don’t have them
• Always produces a ludicrously large wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to flick though it in front of you, and eventually pays with the largest note available
• Always smartly dressed and covered in some form of bling, fake tan and too much cologne
• Always tells you to ‘Buy one for yourself’
• Always tips to further project their wealthy status
• Always apologises for their unruly mates
• Winks at you at every opportunity

SUMMARY: Friendly, fun, can be a wanker but great for tips!

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Girls Night Out

THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT:

• Consists of 4+ females wearing too much make up, too little clothes and a lot of fake tan
• Shoes are too high, skirts are too short
• Attract an amazingly high level of male attention and love it
• Spend the majority of the night in the bathroom
• Dance around handbag’s on the dance floor
• Tale too many photo’s and text constantly
• Squeal - a lot
• Most common beverages include: Shots, Doubles of Vodka, Archers, Midori, Malibu or Bacardi, Champagne, Cocktails, Wine Spritzers, Wine with Vodka in it, Snake Bites or Cider and Black
• Start off immaculate and become more dishevelled as the night wears on
• Fall over breaking heels and nails
• Night can often end in random pashing, shagging, vomiting and/or tears
• Any of the above can happen anywhere: bar, toilet, bus, alley, cab, garden, park, house

SUMMARY: Fun in the beginning but always end up too shrill and sad – unless you’re a guy on the pull, then your ships come in

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Historian

THE HISTORIAN:

• Is always of a mature age
• Has always had one too many
• Always takes forever to order
• Can often share traits of The Complainer
• Has seen every band they’re about to see numerous times before and is happy to list where, when and with whom
• Has often worked in the very same establishment you are now working in and begins to list all the differences between then and now, all acts they saw throughout the duration of their employment and various anecdotes of former colleagues you’ve never met and never will
• Has questionable dress sense and hair styling
• Often leans, slurs and/or spits
• Always holds up queues and forces those behind them to tutt and roll eyes
• Always looks slightly hurt when you state you do in fact still work there and should get on with the job at hand

SUMMARY: Totally harmless, sometimes entertaining, often boring and annoying.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Flirt

THE FLIRT:

• Stares at you just that little too long and continues to eye you up and down throughout the whole transaction
• Starts the order off politely but, depending on level of confidence/drunkenness, will come out with one of the following: ‘You’ve got the best job / I bet you get to see all the bands / Having a good night? / You’re so beautiful / I bet you make loads of tips / What are you doing later? / Can I have your number? / Can I buy you a drink? / What’s your name? / Where are you from? / Do you have a boyfriend?’, etc
• Again, depending on confidence versus drink quota, the end of the transaction may also be finished with a hand shake, continental kiss on the hand or large tip, and is always ended on a cheeky wink
• He will then position himself either near your bar and attempt to talk to you all night regardless of how busy or annoyed you may be, or keep returning to you constantly for every item he decides to purchase
• The more drinks The Flirt is served the more confident becomes his approach, and the more plentiful becomes your tip jar
• If still insistent at the end of the night he will most certainly return for one last try, and if refused can go one of two ways: He can roll away drunkenly professing his love for you, reiterating how lovely you are and how he’ll never find another like you; or he’ll take it very badly, have a screaming tantrum, call you every name under the sun and have to be removed by security

SUMMARY:

All in all a harmless case - excellent for the ego and lining of the pockets.

Confessions of an Australian Bar Maid: Character Study - The Complainer

When working at night you come across many different types of characters. People change when the sun goes down. They let loose, discard their inhibitions and let their inner night creature emerge, no matter how scary they may be. As part of this series I will be doing regular studies on not only the demographics that come out to play but the types of creatures you have to deal with on a regular basis. Some are pretty, some angry, some lovely and some straight up crazy, but rest assured, all are entertaining.

THE COMPLAINER:

• Is of the general mind that you are a complete moron who is out to rip them off on behalf of ‘the establishment’
• No matter how fast you serve them you’ve always served the person before them out of turn and they’ve been waiting too long
• Their drink is always too warm, small, has too much ice or too much head
• Of the 50+ drinks you have on offer they like none of them and proceed to ask for everything you don’t stock
• When it comes to paying it is always too expensive, and apparently berating you and alerting everyone around them to the fact that you personally are ripping them off is going to make it cheaper
• When given their change they are always unimpressed with the amount of coins given (this of course may have been done on purpose, with intent to annoy)
• They will then complain their way through the crowd at the packed bar moaning about spilling their drink, where to stand, there’s too many people, they can’t see – and so on and so forth
  
  

SUMMARY:

Always there, always annoying, always alone. I wonder why?…